Monday, December 21, 2009

For the love of God, please stop!

After a recent entry on sequels I'd like to see, I realized that there are probably just as many sequels I don't want to see. So, in typical year-end fashion, I've complied another list.

10. Animated Sequels. Disney and Pixar can make as many animated movies as they want, but please, stop after first one. Did we really need 3 Ice Age movies?
9. Meet the Parents. I really liked the original movie a long, long time ago. It was funny and sweet and proved that a PG-13 rated comedy could actually be funny. But then the filmmakers crapped out Meet the Fockers and I didn't crack a smile once. Well, OK, the part where Dustin Hoffman lays down in front of the RV had me laughing, but the baby learning sign language did not! And since Little Fockers has been announced, I am ready to not laugh once again.
8. Resident Evil. I'm still pissed that one of the best video games ever made, and one that could have been an amazing film adaptation, was fumbled by hackmaster Paul WS Anderson (Aliens vs. Predator). Very little of what made the games such a creepy (and fun) experience was brought to the screen. And for some reason, 3 sequels were made to the original movie, each diverting further and further from the video game. It was at one time rumored that Anderson was going to direct the forthcoming Castlevania movie, but thankfully, he left the project.
7. Harry Potter. I know, they are based on the books (can't remember how many there actually are), but when is it going to end for good? Maybe I will sit down and watch them all one long weekend, but until then, I'll just laugh when I think about the "Harry Twatter" joke from 40 Year-Old Virgin.
6. Fast and the Furious. This franchise has always been geared toward the texting-while-driving crowd and maybe that explains why the scripts to these movies felt like they were typed on someone's cell phone. What could have been a fun dumb movie was just dumb, and then they churned out 3 sequels, each with varying cast members returning but the end result always being the same -- a movie that made you feel like you were stuck in traffic.
5. Ocean's [insert number here]. The first one was fun but overhyped, the second one completely sucked, and I couldn't finish the third one out of boredom, even while being trapped on an airplane. The thrill of seeing all those big actors on the screen together wore thin half way through Ocean's Eleven.
4. Saw. I'll just say this. Whoever walked out of Saw 5 and said to their friend, "I can't wait for Saw 6" should be kidnapped and put into one of those torture devices from the movies. If ever there is a film franchise that represents the downfall of America, it's the Saw movies. Oh and any film franchise that has a movie come out a year apart - instant suckage.
3. Shrek. If ever there was a movie that was old after its first entry, it's Shrek. I mean, I get it, Eddie Murphy is a talking donkey. Hil-arious. Whereas Michael Myers was once one of my favorite comedic actors, now I just wonder what the hell he is thinking half the time and The Love Guru proves my point. At least he had the good sense to do a cameo for Inglourious Basterds.
2. Pirates of the Caribbean. Ah, 2003. Everyone and their mother was in love with Johnny Depp after seeing this movie. Except me. I thought it was good enough, but didn't understand in insane hype-machine surrounding it. The second one, I felt, was the best of them all, despite it being really long and confusing at times, and the third one just seemed to throw everything at the wall in hopes a few story lines would stick. Rumor is that a fourth movie is in the works. Let's hope that it never sees the light of day.
1. Transformers. OK, the first one was a big dumb movie with cool enough special effects and Megan Fox to keep you from noticing that the plot was completely insane. Plus, for someone like me, it was a way to relive your childhood a bit, since I grew up watching, and playing with, Transformers. But the limited goodwill of the first movie was completely railroaded by the idiotic and bloated sequel. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen proved that special effects aren't very special without a good story line to tie them together, and at over two and a half hours long, the movie felt like it would never, ever, end. Not only do I hope that they never make another Transformers movie (fat chance) it was so bad I hope that Michael Bay never makes another movie (another fat chance).

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